Sometimes I feel as though our life has been one bad decision after another. It's been a rough go in our blue house. The night my water broke was our last night there. We've spent a month confused about what to do. I've spent a month postpartum emotional with a deep foreboding about living in that house again.
But to move out isn't much of an option either.
That decision would mean living at the very least 30 miles from the small, rural community in which my husband ministers. It would mean gas money we don't have. It would mean an added hurdle to minister to people we don't live among. It would mean choosing to be homeless by living with family until we find something affordable. And it might possibly mean a step in the direction of bi-vocational ministry. This decision has the capability of altering our lives very much--for better or worse. It is a decision to approach with much caution and prayer.
Oh, but how often do I seek to control? All the time. I can't seem to learn the lesson that God is in control. I constantly try to take the reigns of our life and trust the guidance of logic, emotion, or the wisdom of others.
So the big question has been "what is the Lord's will in all this?" We don't want to operate outside of it. Do we move out and risk all those possible side effects? Or do we stay put and risk disobedience if God is truly shoving us out the door of our blue house?
Personally, I'm done. I don't think I could spend another moment living in the blue nightmare; yet, I don't fully trust myself. It is very unfortunate that this comes at a time when I am so hormonal. I have struggled and worried and cried and prayed. I felt as though a monstrous decision weigh on my shoulders. What is the best option for our family?
Then a moment came. A teachable moment. A moment of clarity. A moment of release.
I was reading some Piper over my morning coffee (Desiring God: Confessions of a Christian Hedonist). I had already been feeling challenged in previous chapters, but this particular morning I arrive at the chapter on marriage.
Now before I began, I already thought this chapter moot in my life. After all, I have a very fulfilling marriage: my husband is in ministry. We serve together. We converse more about theological views and living out our faith than the latest gossip. We find joy in that. What would be more "Christian Hedonist" than that?
Boy was I wrong.
As Piper defined love, I found myself in agreeance. Basically, love is when your happiness is completely dependent upon the happiness of another. I understand that. I could even say that's how my marriage works. But as Piper continued he addressed the roles if husband and wife.
Oh, here it comes...I held my breath waiting for it.
If you've been in church long enough, you've heard some pretty rotten sermons on the subject on submission and role of women. The scriptures in Ephesians and other verses have been wrongly used to justify a relationship more akin to abuse and mindless servitude. They have been used to keep half of the church from exercising their gifts which in turn damages the kingdom. Bad doctrine has taken relative truths and turned them into absolute truths.
But before I completely derail from my point with a soapbox, let me say Piper pleasantly surprised me. He very thoroughly dissected the Ephesians passage and strongly denounced any practice which degrades women.
Thank you, Piper.
He expounds upon the different roles men and women were created for in marriage. I found his explanations quite freeing.
"The husband has the primary responsibility for leadership, provision, and protection...Wives are called to honor and affirm their husbands' leadership and help carry it through."
I decided to take this explanation to heart and leave the responsibility of protecting my family to my husband. I cannot tell you how freeing it was to relinquish the responsibility of that decision to my husband. I was so conflicted, unable to think clearly. But the moment I resolved to do whatever he decided all those negative emotions vanished.
And I found out how much my husband valued my feelings of safety. My sweet, understanding husband agreed to move our family out even though there is nothing available to rent even remotely near his job. He decided to find a storage unit and move us in with family even though he has his own reservations about the move.
In that decision he expressed so much and I learned so much. One, he loves me enough to find his happiness in mine. He would never have felt happy or comfortable at that house knowing my strong objections to being there. I can trust and follow a man like that.
Second, part of my conflict came from my desires and his clashing. I wanted to leave; he wanted to stay. Only both of us couldn't "get our way."
Third, I found incredible freedom in Biblical surrender. I wasn't created to bear the responsibility of the final decision. I expressed my view and then resolved to do whatever he decided: stay or go. I would follow his lead. I didnt nag, bully, or manipulate him into doing what I wanted. In doing so I was freed from the responsibility of shouldering the consequences should it go awry and placed that responsibility where it belonged--on my husband.
It has taken me years to come to this place of freedom. As I mentioned earlier, this is a hot potato topic that has caused division, been abused, or addressed with so much humor the truth is lost for fear of offending.
What about you? What have your experiences with submission been? What do you struggle with?
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